Shells

Shells

By Muriel Palanca

“They are not life, Tristen. They are the shells of life, and empty ones if in the end all they hold are days and days without love.”- Tristen and Isolde (2006)

I should be happy…I am, right? I’m not working right now and have free time. I have enough money in the bank, my good health and am travelling the world. I spend my days training jiujitsu, yoga, going to the spa, reading on the beach, learning marketable skills, exploring, volunteering, constantly meeting new people.

I’m living the dream.

Yet there have been long stretches of time in my last two years of travel, more frequent of late, where I have felt utterly sad and lonely.

Social Media

I’ve had several occasions where I’m talking to someone and in the middle of conversation, they break eye contact and check their phone or scroll through their newsfeed. It’s taken me awhile to realize, they’re not being rude on purpose. We’ve just become addicted to seeking connection in our phones instead of in person.

I never consistently used Instagram until I came to Bali where it slowly became an unhealthy habit. Yet, it’s never been my thing and after 6 months of solid use, it’s still not my thing. I almost laughed in someone’s face when he told me he’s an “influencer”. Oh…ok…*pat pat*

Look, if someone paid me a couple hundred dollars to post a picture, of course I would. I understand why people use IG and the monetary benefits of having a huge following, but I find the whole thing ridiculous. It’s all too glossy, edited, and self-serving. This is not meant to be a commentary on its shallowness or the negative mental impact it has. We all know this but still do it anyway.

I am completely guilty of feeding into the machine. I add my meals to my story before I eat, brainstorm hashtags before I post, play with filters to make my picture look better and spend an unreasonable amount of free time looking at what everyone else is doing. I am not the pot calling the kettle black. I am the soggy teabag drowning in everyone else’s narcissistic bullshit while I continue to diffuse my own.

Why? I do it because it gives me a shot of dopamine when I get engagement via likes/views/comments and it makes me feel connected to people. I mean, that’s the point, right?

Connection

I’ve spent an ungodly amount of time alone…which is both inevitable and self-imposed. I’m a strong independent woman “who don’t need no man”, hustling and grinding. I am grateful and proud. I know how to be alone and I’m damn good at it.

But I feel so incredibly homesick for my friends, my family and for someone I haven’t even met yet.

When it comes to companionship, I’m a monogamous person at heart. I function best in a stable relationship with one person and having consistent sex in a healthy way. I meet a constant influx of new people who are in a state of transience, as am I, but always moving isn’t conducive to building a relationship.

I’m craving permanence and stability in the people I surround myself with, but I know it’s not something I can realistically expect while I’m travelling. So I’ve been taking what I can get and making the best of it.

Fleeting is…fine.

But I want someone in my bed who helps me sleep better. I want sex on a regular basis with someone who loves me and won’t leave in the morning, or right after. I want to collaborate, converse, argue and think with someone other than myself. And of course, I want to go on adventures and make bad decisions with them because happiness is real when shared, and misery loves company.

I miss being excited and having a reason to put on makeup. I miss sharing myself with someone whether it be my past, my thoughts, my puns or my inappropriate humor.  I miss the push and pull of compromise, of exerting my beliefs and having mine questioned.  I miss having things in common and having someone just “get it”…whatever “it” may be at the time.

I’ve learned the hard way that no company is better than bad company and I want to hold out for people whose presence brings more joy to my life than my solitude. Loneliness is a natural byproduct of that. Something good is coming for me and it’ll happen when it’s meant to.

Today is my birthday.

I’m happy.

Photo: Alex Filippides