Celibate, Give a Bit Away

Celibate, Give a Bit Away

By Muriel Palanca

Earlier this year, I made a conscious acknowledgement of being celibate. I wouldn’t say it was a specific choice, but more a culmination of decisions I’d been making in regard to how I live my life. Let’s pause for a second. Those of you who know me are laughing right now and think I’m joking. Go ahead and let it out; I’m laughing too.

I’ve been a shameless hedonist for the last few years, because I wanted to and because I could. Drugs. Parties. People. Through my growing pains, when faced with the question of “Why?”, I’d often respond with “Why not?”. FOMO, YOLO and “forgiveness before permission” were reason enough.

And it’s been great!

I’ve had the pleasure of sampling the world and broadening my carnal palette. I’ve learned an incredible amount about my desires, my limits, my self-worth, what I’m willing to give in a relationship and what I want in return. It was risky to go against my conservative upbringing, to my parents’ chagrin and wrath, but totally worth it. Sorry, not sorry.

That being said: I am tired of shitty sex. I am tired of transience and fallout. I’m tired of being played by half-assed people. Not all my experiences were like this and there wasn’t a straw that broke the camels back. But I’ve gotten to a point where one occurrence of any of those things is already one too many. I want more for myself and I deserve better.

There is no point in crying over mediocre dick and shitty sex.

I’ve never been the kind of person who likes hooking up, but my travel schedule has led to me lowering my standards in terms of longevity and quality. Relationships I do encounter progress at a very rapid pace because of the context of the situation and I take the best I can get at the time.

I also want to clarify my definition of shitty sex: It’s not necessarily a lack of technical merit per se, but lack of emotion, holding back emotion, not feeling completely safe/open/reassured/wanted, lack of follow through after…all of those things ultimately make it a shitty experience for me.

From a purely pragmatic point of view, having sex with someone who I’m not ALL IN for just feels like a waste of time, emotional resources and head-space- all things I value greatly. I’m not saying it is a waste of time (sometimes I just needed to get off) …but the feeling of being a waste is enough of a deterrent for me to not do it anymore.

It’s funny though, I made one exception before my birthday this year and because of corona-virus. I was working in Darwin, Australia. It was a stressful week because everything was shutting down so quickly Myself and my friends were expats trying to get home before borders closed.

I met one man who was the only one who caught my interest during those two months, and we’d been seeing each other for a week.  I called him and said, “I very much appreciate you respecting my celibacy, but I’d like to be with you tonight if you don’t mind. Even though I may regret it after, I know for a fact I will regret it if I don’t. Just in case I never see you again.”

He laughed and said, “I am not saying no. But I don’t want you to make a decision like this just because you’re stressed out. How about you call me back in a few hours after you’ve had time to think on it.”

Despite the aftermath, I’ll always remember that as being really sweet and considerate of him.

And yea…it was shitty sex for the reasons I stated above. Our personalities were a combination of a hot fudge sundae and dry toast (me being the former). Sense of humor didn’t click and outlook on life was divergent. It wouldn’t have worked out.

I’m glad it happened though because it reinforced why I’m a celibate. I’ve done the cost/benefit analysis.  

I had a misconception that by being celibate, I’d be DENYING myself sex. But after examining my choices in the distant and recent past, I’m choosing to feel happy with myself instead of feeling less lonely with someone else. I’m choosing my free time, energy, well-being, and inner peace. I’m choosing the possibility of more instead of settling for a quick maybe. I’m choosing to be with someone who chooses me for all the right reasons.

It's worth holding out for. I can take care of myself till then.

Have you ever tried celibacy? Not your thing? What are your thoughts and reasons?

Photo by Justin Wiriadi