Into a Ditch

Into a Ditch

By Muriel Palanca

There are two things I never learned how to do:

1.       Ride a bike

2.       Swim

I know…I know. Just chill, I’ve heard it already. To answer your question: As a child, I lived a relatively sheltered life and my parents never taught me or pushed me into it. As an adult, I’ve made it through my life without a pressing need or desire to do so.

Here is something I am incredibly embarrassed about: I am afraid.

I have tried both at least once. When I was around nine years old, I almost drowned at a pool party. When trying to ride a bike as a child and as an adult, I couldn’t stay balanced. My risk aversion to both of these activities is about as solid as the concrete my head could potentially hit and as suffocating as a pool of water.

I bring all this up because today, I tried to drive a scooter for the first time in Bali. It is the main source of transportation here and considered a necessity if you want to get around. I asked one of my gym instructors to teach me. He took me to a long, relatively deserted road and I mentally prepped by asking him how to do everything. He said, “You’ll be fine, it’s easy.”

And I believed him, because I also believed in myself -puffs up chest confidently-. I asked all the questions. I know what to do. Everyone else does it and by golly, so can I! I put my helmet on, turn key, left hand on the brake, right thumb on the start, gently pulled right wrist down to accelerate…

I BOLT like a freaking ROCKET…right into a ditch. This isn’t a mud ditch. It’s stone. With stone walls and stone pillars in intervals on the road. My life did not flash before my eyes (everyone says it does, but it’s BS). The only things roaring through my entire being was:

Oh shit, I fucked up…Oh God HELLLPPP!

My teacher came running…and so did three other people from the gym who just happened to be coming up from the beach at the same time. The entire scooter ended up in the ditch which was about three feet down. It took three guys in total to get it out as I sheepishly stood to the side. The only things broken were the mirrors, the skin on my knee and my pride.

Considering the speed at which I gunned this scooter, it was a miracle I didn’t break any bones or get seriously injured. I’m grateful for that. But I felt completely horrible for several reasons: I damaged someone else’s property. My teacher would have felt responsible if something happened to me. I had an audience who watched me fail. I failed hard.

Most of all, it scared me to my core. And I don’t know what to do about that. I truly don’t.

I understand the whole, get up and try again mentality. I know the value in perseverance and taking risks. I comprehend processes well in my head. I can dive deep into research when I need to learn something. But I feel like I’m lacking in some sort of innate physical ability and/or gumption to push past those shortcomings.

Everyone tells me these things are supposed to be easy. You never forget how to ride a bike. Make your hands like an ice cream scoop and peddle your legs. Maintain your balance. You just do it.

And I just…can’t.

**Can you relate? Tell me something you are afraid of or find extremely challenging. I’d love to hear your thoughts!