The Sexless Innkeeper

The Sexless Innkeeper

By Muriel Palanca

This is a twist on a modern tale from “How I Met Your Mother”. A story about friendship, benefits, expectations and misunderstandings.

It is completely biased because it is only told from my point of view. But I make every effort to be fair and factual. This will be funny in time (it’s a little funny now it’s over), but it still doesn't make sense .

I met a guy in Bali and we both found each other attractive but it was a slow burn to hooking up. We had sex on two occasions, one of which was for my birthday. We enjoyed each other’s company and kept in touch.

I’ve been in Melbourne the last few months and he was working in Sydney. He invited me to visit on several occasions and after a few months in Melbourne, we found a week for me to stay which worked for us both.

These were my expectations and why:

1. We are friends with benefits. I had no expectations of him being my boyfriend or husband because frankly, we’re not compatible in that regard and not enough common interests. It’s not a hard no and would not have been denied if it unfolded naturally, but anything beyond friends with benefits was not an expectation.

2. I was under the impression we were going to have sex frequently during the week I was staying with him. Why? Because he told me he found me attractive in multiple ways during the duration of our friendship. He enjoyed the sex we had in Bali and expressed this notion both verbally and physically multiple times during the duration of our friendship. He told me in our texts that there would be sex and cuddling when I came over. Our texts and messages were sweet, flirty and fully of emoticons of the kissy face and heart variety.

Given those pre-requisites, I think a rational person can reasonably assume and expect that sex and cuddling would be shared.

First night, he was super keen and got it in. Second night, I came and it was great. Third day, wakes me up in the morning with a hard on grinding against me. We start but he deflates in the middle of switching positions and I say let’s grab breakfast and try again later. Not a big deal.

And that was the last time.

He didn't touch me for three days. No cuddling, no kissing, no sex, no touching in bed or at all.

It was such an abrupt difference in behavior, and I found it jarring.

One night, he was tossing and turning and couldn't get to sleep. He verbally said, "I can't sleep," so I say, “Do you want to have sex, it helps me sleep." And he said into his pillow, "No, I don't think I want that right now."

So I go back to reading and silently thinking: OK....well...I'm not going to push you if you're not feeling it because you feel what you feel, but it's not because you're sleepy ('cause you're not sleeping) so what is it? Is there something bothering you? Do you not find me attractive anymore? Because you haven't touched me in two days.

Sidebar- I'm going to say this subjectively: I looked damn good this week. I was doing yoga every day the last five months, walking around the city, my abs were visible, my boobs were poppin, my skin glowed from all the avocadoes and canned salmon I was eating, my ass felt great (he even said so). I wasn't just a snack, I was a freaking three- course meal. On top of that, I had two gorgeous dresses, ready to be arm candy for any occasion.

I all but served myself on a silver platter, at my prime (A5 Wagyu style) with my witty banter, sunny disposition and all the personal space he could have needed.

All else aside, ladies and gentlemen, verdict notwithstanding, in gods name WHY would you let that limited time offer go to waste and not touch it for an entire week? Am I ugly? Have I not been a good guest?

You don't need to look the gift horse in the mouth, but I thought you’d put your penis in there and ride it…

At my base, I'm a simple lady:

1. Feed me

2. Fuck me

3. Tell me I'm beautiful

I don't ask for much, and you know what, I wasn't even asking for it. Because I didn't think I needed to and I don't beg. I didn’t understand why he was being standoffish and it made me anxious. I felt something was wrong and the answers I got made me more confused.

On the third day of silently trudging along, I gave him a bit of shit.

He hugged me after the gym with his friend and I said, “Oh now you want to touch me. You haven't had sex with me in 3 days. I leave on Thursday, just saying.”

I went to go work out, came back to shower and realized I got my period. Fuck. Goddamn it.

I walk into the room. He’s laying on the bed and says “Come here, why are you putting your shirt on?”

"Because I was going to eat. Do you really want to have sex, because you haven't touched me in 3 days."

"I mean…yeah.”

I told him I got my period.

I shit you not…he instantly puts the covers on himself, turns away and goes to the far side of the bed, giving me his back.

I say, "Can we just put a towel down or use the shower?"

"No."

"So you’re not going to touch me the rest of the time I'm here. Are you serious?"

"Yup"

I continue to have a conversation with his BACK and the answers I extracted out of him were:

“I only want to have sex when I want to.” – Ok…but what about me? And are you ever going to want to because the last few days you’ve given me absolutely no indication that you do.

“You're putting too much pressure on the situation.”- I haven’t said anything for three days, and this is my first time bringing it up because things feel a little off.

And this glorious gem:

“I don't want to ruin our friendship with sex.”- Excuse me?! Hasn’t that been the nature of our friendship? We hang out and we hook up. And if that’s the case, why did you fuck me? Why did you flirt with me the last few months? Why did you text me leading up to this trip telling me we were going to cuddle and there would be welcome sex? Well thank you for the welcome sex. I was under the assumption there would be more. My bad, I must have misread ALL of the other signals over the last few months.

And if that wasn’t confusing enough, he felt the need to define what we are:

Him: We’re friends with benefits. We’re friends and sex is a benefit.

Me: Yes, I know what it is. But we’re not having sex. We haven’t been.

Him: But we have had sex…

Okay? So has the “benefit” quota been filled? I didn’t get the memo. I would have planned accordingly and rationed my benefits if I knew this was it. Would have put it in a high interest savings account for a rainy day. Got me out here like Oliver Twist, “Please Sir, I want some more…” *hands out, pouty face*

And I think it was around this point where I gave up. Because this guy has shut me down, hard. And I respect boundaries no matter how sudden and unexpected they are.

The days after that, I made myself scarce. Went for walks, hung out with my friends. I made the most of the time I had and didn’t waste it staring at his back. I’d see him for breakfast and then he’d go about his day working, going to the gym with his friends and sleeping early. And the few moments when we’d be alone and he was awake, he’d stare at his phone and I’d read my kindle.

I felt helpless, awkward, anxious and alone. I was a guest in someone else's place and I felt like my presence was a burden he tolerated out of decency. He was ignoring me for whatever reason and I still don't know what went wrong. I felt like a wilting daisy…and I didn’t even get cuddles ☹

He would tell me all the time how often he’d cuddle his platonic girl friend who I love to pieces. But I gotta say, I was a bit butthurt because I didn’t get any cuddles. I got back. What’s a girl gotta do around here for a five-minute spoon? How about a hug? Can I get one of those? It got to the point where I remember on the sixth day when his knee grazed my upper thigh during his sleep one night, and that was the only “touch” I got. =/

On my last day, a few hours before I boarded the bus, we were going to have a drink with his friends. As we’re getting ready, I ask him:

“Why did you invite me here? What did you expect to happen?”

“I wanted you to see Sydney and I wanted to see you. I didn’t invite you here just for sex and I don't need to have it every day.”

“That's fair and but why'd we stop having sex, like even before my period started?” And I didn’t come here just for sex either but I thought we’d at least be having it.

“I don't know, it started to feel like we were married. Too much commitment. We’re on different pages.”

Wow…clearly we were on different pages. I went to take a shower and I was thinking: You know when I leave here in a few days, I'm going on a trip for 5 weeks, plus 10 days in the outback plus 3 months of farm work. I don’t plan on seeing you for a long time because I’m doing my thing. I want to know at what point you thought I was trying to tie you down...because I have never suggested anything of the sort. What made you think I wanted anything more from you than a friend with benefits? Like, WTF is this BS?

For fucks sake, I am on holiday and I wanted to get hella laid. And I thought that was a reasonable expectation.

We went out with his friends/coworkers and had a good time but after hanging out with them for hours, things blew up in the end. I asked him a few times if we could head home so I could pack and he didn’t want to. I got upset with him and as I’m talking to him, he walks away telling me I’m being ungrateful and he’s just talking to his friends.

I didn’t get to finish saying, “I'm not trying to keep you from your friends, but I was hoping you'd want to spend time with me before I leave in 2 hours and I need to pack. Instead, you keep giving me your back and choose to sit out here in the cold talking to these lovely people who you see every day and will see again tomorrow. Because you work with them. I will be elsewhere and will be out the door in the next 90 mins.”

When he walked away without hearing me out, I knew it was time to go and I was done.

His friend walked me home and she explained some things to me which I took to heart:

“He opened his place to you. This is all he has. He took you out to the beach. He loves the beach. He cares about you and he was so excited for you to be here. Be grateful for that. It sounds like you both had different expectations and misunderstood each other. People show care in different ways.”

She’s right.

And she also asked, “Are you in love with him? I think he pulled away because he thought your feelings for him were stronger than his for you.”

To which I gave a resounding, “NO! Where the hell did he get that idea and why didn’t he tell me that’s how he felt?”

You

I’ve had misunderstandings in the past, but it’s been a long time since I’ve written my thoughts out about a situation to this degree. I’ve become mature enough to let things go and not even bother because it’s a waste of time for most people. But I spent a whole overnight bus ride thinking about you. And I wrote this because I want us to understand each other and be friends (no benefits, they have expired).

I don't think the situation would have gone differently, because we were both honest in our own ways.

We just didn't say enough.

You are not just a piece of meat. You are/were my friend with benefits. I think we both agree on that. But you avoiding me and ignoring the issue made me feel like I had neither: No friend, no benefits. I wish you could have told me the dynamic changed between us instead of leaving me to figure it out on my own. I’m still confused.

I’m not mad your feelings changed for whatever reason, I respect it. But I am upset you didn’t talk to me about it sooner or even at all. If I hadn’t broached the subject, you would have just kept ignoring it and me.

From the bottom of my heart, I am grateful for you opening your home to me. Thank you for showing me parts of Sydney and introducing me to your truly wonderful friends. Thank you to your best girl friend for talking to me and walking me home. There is no shortage of gratitude on my end and I truly appreciate the ways in which you cared for me. I’ll always have good memories of how we met, our jokes and our friendship.

So that’s where I’m at: Grateful yet still confused. I’m not asking for anything except to be heard and hopefully understood. I’m not going to see you for a long time anyway so there’s no rush.

Maybe we can talk about it someday over a beer which you’ll help me drink. I still owe you a pie and a stop at the bottle shop along the way.

Or we can just leave it broken.

If it’s the latter, I won’t be mad. Just disappointed.

Much love <3