M.I.L.F Money

M.I.L.F Money (Maybe I Like Freedom and Money)

By Muriel Palanca

The “switch” hasn’t flipped on for me.

I have never actively wanted a baby.

It’s the type of realization that draws a line in the sand for all relationships, the definite choosing of one road over another. I’ve assessed the possibility from all angles and when I run the cost/benefit analysis, I’m looking at a hard NO.

I have been conditioned to think of children as the ultimate responsibility, a financial drain, the end of freedom, an ever-present burden, and a mistake if done under the wrong context. They are needy bundles of raw emotion without filter and wholly dependent on someone for resources, both material and abstract.

Before you come at me with pitchforks for offending your “little miracle”, please do not misconstrue my assertations as me implying that child rearing encompasses ONLY these negative attributes. You are welcome to tell me the positives in the comments. My opinions and observations are the culmination of years of secondhand experience from dealing with friends and their children, my own childhood and other kids I’ve encountered throughout my life.

While it is true that people who have not experienced something firsthand do not get much credence when it comes to their opinion, I also believe, as my dad once told me, that you don’t need to experience jumping off the Empire State Building to know the outcome would be undesirable.

Baby Daddy

I can name on hands and feet the number of friends I have who are single moms and dads. And it does outnumber the friends I know who have children within a loving relationship with their partner.

I’ve seen the aftermath of what a difficult divorce or a petty parent can do to family dynamics and everyone’s mental health. Having a child with someone inevitably and irrevocably makes you stuck to them forever, even if they leave. I don’t want to be stuck to the wrong person or raise a child alone.

For example, dealing with baby mama drama and terrible baby daddies. Obviously, the people my single friends chose to procreate with were not the most ideal candidates because they are no longer together for whatever reason. Some of these reasons are cheating, toxic relationship, fell out of love, deadbeat lazy-ass no good nobody, irreconcilable differences, abuse and “just didn’t work out”.

Looking at my past choices for serious partners, I made some bad decisions. I’ve dodged several bullets which could have become marriages too early in life or an endless hellhole with an abusive partner or a relationship with someone who would inevitably cheat on me.

I’ve become wiser through my experiences and mistakes, but I don’t know if I have enough competence to choose the best father for my child and partner for me. Maybe it’s for lack of good options and my unwillingness to drop my standards. Maybe, despite best efforts, I’ll still make the wrong choice. The names Scott Peterson and Chris Watts are stellar examples of the worst-case scenario.

Sidebar: If a man ever cheated on me while I was pregnant, one of us is going to be in jail and one of us is going to be dead. Take that as you will, but I don’t like either of those options.

Mommy Issues

My own parents have told me, “You and your brother are my life.”. I am blessed to have grown up in a loving home with parents who did their best to give me everything: food, shelter, attention, opportunities, financial support, quality time, and parental guidance. My dad was the bread winner and my mom stayed at home to raise us.

As much as I respect the sacrifices my mother has made, I do not have the desire to emulate it because I saw firsthand what it cost her. In terms of her mental health, I don’t think she was ever happy or relaxed. She was and still is constantly stressed out which has physically manifested into high blood pressure.

My relationship with my mother was explosive at worst and strained at least. It felt like a minefield where logic and emotion constantly butted heads. Distance and maturity helped ease the tension over the last few years, but it’s been a marathon.

I know how much she suffers for all of us and she does it out of obligation, necessity, martyrdom, and love. Thank you. But I don’t want to put that on my kids and most especially on myself.

Opportunity Cost

I cannot financially afford a child and would not want to bring one into this world without having a stable amount of resources and a steady stream of adequate income. Living through two recessions, a pandemic and an apathetic nutjob for a president has made me quite pessimistic for the economic outlook of my country and the financial wellbeing of my generation.

When I am working my ass off, I can afford to take care of myself and that’s about it. A hospital delivery in the USA cost about $10,000- just to get the baby out of the mother. Then food, clothes, crib, doctor’s visits, diapers, stroller, toys etc. Those are just the immediate costs.

And then CHILDCARE. Either I become a stay-at-home mom or I go to work and pay someone else an exorbitant amount of money to watch my kid. I don’t like either of those options.

I like to do yoga, BJJ, watch movies, travel, read, write, learn new things, and sleep. I am seduced by the possibility of starting a business, building new relationships, expressing myself through my creations, the freedom to go and do as I please.

I would rather spend my valuable time, energy, ambition, talent and resources doing almost ANYTHING ELSE than raise a child. A child’s needs will always come first, as they should, but I am SELFISH, which is not conducive to successful child rearing.

The “I” in Tried

My purpose in life is more than child rearing and sacrificing myself for the good of others. I will not find self-actualization or joy in motherhood. I know this because I have TRIED.

I babysat children. I was a caregiver for a man with Angelman’s syndrome. I have held babies in my arms. I’ve observed kids as well as their parents in restaurants, grocery stores, the mall and events. I’ve seen the tantrums, the attitude, the crying, the mess, the dumbass shit they do which will always be the parents’ responsibility.

I’ve met some great kids in my time, ones who are well-behaved, cute and witty. I may develop fondness for them, but at the end of the day, I happily give them back because they are ultimately not my problem.

If I am entrusted with a tiny human, my goal is to tolerate them, not be a dick and keep them alive until the parents resume their duties. YOU were graced with unconditional love for YOUR child. I was not.

Let’s Get Physical

I once tried to get an IUD (intrauterine device) which is a form of birth control. Part of the process is them shoving a T-shaped plastic piece in my uterus. Since I have not given birth, they had to “pop my cervix” to insert it. What followed was the most intense, God-awful, can’t breathe, tears-in-my-eyes pain. I told myself to never forget what it felt like because if I can’t handle THIS, I do not want to experience giving birth.

I know how to be physically uncomfortable: pushing myself at the gym, being sat on and choked in BJJ, holding challenging positions in yoga… but I’m a puss when it comes to physical pain. One of my biggest fears is the act of childbirth. I’ve seen the videos in sex-ed. I watched Rosemary’s Baby and Alien. I’ve heard the story countless times from my mother trying to guilt trip me into submission.

I would need to carry it for 9 months while it wreaks havoc on my body (weight gain, hormones, stretching, constant hunger/urination, organs shifting)… and then forever after when it comes out. A woman’s body changes during and after having a child. Though many women are willing and capable of handling that physical burden, I would rather not.

Not This World

In my country, United States of America, the following things are difficult to attain and/or prohibitively expensive: maternity leave, childcare, insurance, college education and a house. In other countries, sexual education is nonexistent, poverty is the norm and safety is not guaranteed. If communities collectively wanted more babies, why wouldn’t they create policies and foster living situations which makes it more feasible?

The environment is suffering from the outcome of human selfishness and greed. It suffers from human existence and too much of it. Will it even be livable for the coming generations? When I look at it from a macro scale, why would I want to bring a child into a world that clearly does not want it and does not care for its’ wellbeing?

We are the World

If I eventually decide I do want kids, I want to adopt a child from every race and have a colorful family, like Angelina Jolie. They’ll be about ten years old when I adopt them i.e. old enough to wipe their own shit and have a bit of personality, but still young enough to be nurtured in the right direction.

I’d be in my forties with a loving partner. We would be financially stable homeowners working in fulfilling careers. I’ll have no doubts.

When it comes down to it, the most important reason to have a child is wanting it. If you want it enough, you will sacrifice, give, love and do. You will make it work.

If the “switch” ever does flip for me, I will too.

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What are your thoughts on having kids?

Do you have them? If so, why? If not, why not?

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Author’s Note : The tone of this piece is…selfish and maybe a little arrogant. It’s all about “I, I, I” and “me, me me”. I talk about my thoughts and what I want. It’s biased and one-sided. I don’t mention any of the pros and even left out a few of my points. If I had kept it in, the piece would have been way too long and I aim to be concise. As for the tone, I acknowledge it, but I can’t apologize for it even though I want to. I know what I say and how I say it will rub some of my friends the wrong way, but I don’t mean it any less. If anything, it reinforces why I am not currently fit to be a mother. *shrugs*