Friends and Benefits

Friends and Benefits 

By Muriel Palanca

I’ve had a handful of moments in my life where I look at someone and know: I want you.

That’s how I felt about him, my neighbor on holiday at my Balinese homestay. He’s a 6’2 Greek Adonis of a man and looks like an extra from the movie 300. He had me like: Please…take my hand and my whole life too. I’m not ready for kids yet but I want to practice making them with you. I want to run through your mind all day and then take a break by sitting on your gorgeous face. 

Not that I said any of this out loud. I should win an Oscar for my starring role as Classy Lady in the film “Do Not End Up with His Dick in Your Mouth for a First Impression”

Anyways…We met in passing on his way out the door and I invited him to hang out the next day. We spent most of our time together sharing space in silence. I read my Kindle. He did stuff on his phone. Sometimes we’d talk about world events. He didn’t initiate conversation but would answer anything I asked. He let me know upfront his English isn’t very good (but hey, there’s always body language…).

For two weeks, we built a solid foundation of comfortable silence and I wasn’t sure if he had any interest in me. He was incredibly polite, the epitome of a gentleman- inviting me on adventures, paying for my meals, introducing me to his friends and taking me home every night in one piece.

He never once made a move on me. So, this is what it feels like to be in the friend zone, huh?

The night before he left, I figured I’d ask:

Me: Can I ask you something without being awkward?

Him: Of course.

Me: Why didn’t you ever try to sleep with me?

Him: I’m sorry, what?

*He doesn’t understand *sleep* as slang in this context since English isn’t his first language. I’ll rephrase*

Me: Why didn’t you ever try to have sex with me?

*He’s at a loss for words. The smile he cracks is rare for his stoic nature but beautiful like a Balinese sunset.*

Him: I…I don’t know. I don’t really look for relationships. I’ve always had friends with benefits. 

Me: That’s fine… I guess I didn’t know if you found me attractive because we don’t flirt. So, am I your type?

Him: What do you mean, type? What type?

Me: Do you think I’m pretty?

Him: You’re gorgeous!

Me: Great! Do you want to have sex later?

Him: Yes.

*I smack him*

Him: What was that for?

Me: I wish I knew sooner…we could have been fucking this whole time. 

Oh well, we did it 3x in twelve hours. I needed it: Good sex with someone who was on the same page. I didn’t want any more than what he was willing to give me. He gave me kindness, respect, and a stable lifelong friendship. Among other things. Super simple. 

We stayed in touch for EIGHT months, trading paragraphs, pictures and heart emojis until I found time in my schedule to see him. A day and a half of plane travel, a 1-hour bus to the bus station, a 4-hour bus to the port, a night in a hotel, and a 3.5 hour ferry to the island of Alonnisos …. This is the most effort, time and distance I’ve ever put in for some Vitamin D (a couple inches of rock hard sunshine) and it was totally worth it. 

The outcome? I’m moving to Greece and making beautiful babies with him! Just imagine: Me living on a gorgeous Greek Island…married to a kind, handsome man who runs a restaurant by the sea, with his dog and his momma, smoking weed, leisurely serving guests by day and making love at night. 

Do you see anything wrong with this picture? I don’t. I sure as hell have done more for less. It’s a beautiful notion and it looks great on paper. But that’s the problem with falling in love with an idea instead of a person. 

I realized we didn’t have much to talk about and conversations were a challenge. He was managing all the priorities of his daily life and I struggled to find serenity instead of loneliness in the stretches of silence. It felt like a quiet friction of perpendicular lines, connected in some integral way but with diverging trajectories. 

This is an important lesson for people to understand, myself included. Deep down, part of me wanted to fall in love with him, to feel chemistry and to look no further, but it just wasn’t there. To put it simply, we appreciate each other as friends but we’re not compatible beyond that. It’s the epitome of loving someone without being in love. 

Some people are part of the journey, not the destination. He taught me how to swim, BTW and I’ll always be grateful for that. I gained a good friend and a useful skill.

The friend zone isn’t so bad… when there are benefits ;)